stalinsnifsglue

I haven't posted in awhile so i figured it was about time... I really haven't talked to her at all.. about anything lately.. talking to her now about small bullshit, it won't turn into a serious convo..

I wanna ask her to hang out... but i know it's not a good idea.. not yet. i miss hangin out... i think i'm sort of still to mad to hang out... not that i would say anything... even if i wanted to, i just can't.

but anyway i've been hanging out with people at the diner alot.. good people who enjoy my company, good times... and then not.. just depends on if i start thinking about bullshit... and getting my ego boosted... and shattered.

gonna be startin up a couple different bands.. school is going fairly well glass class i'm the least happy with... but i guess i'll stick with it... to late to get money back. going to be working for the art department soon.

not going to work at the corset place anymore i don't think..... they fucked over and fired drew pretty harshly.. and it's just a matter of time untill that happens to me.

not sure if i'm going out yet or not tonight... i'm gonna try i think, i'm not in the greatest of moods... we'll see... no shaun's last night.. that was pretty cool. but anyway... time to get off the computer.

Whatever...... i have no fucking idea.

Even if she does find this journal.. I don't think she'd even read it. not that it's what this is about.. i just hope i get the chance to tell her things one day..


though i wish i knew if she really did give a shit about me at all anymore..




Gonna try to go out tonight and try to forget the bad things i know...

I feel sick again.....

How pathetic is it to drive to fucking diners looking for you're friends? I'm also driving to think though... and NOT be fucking home... Gotta do something when i can't see the person i want to most.

While i write this in The denneys parking lot last night/this morn Kate and beaker stumble over from legends.. And i hang out with them and Others for a long time.. Then I took kate home stayed there with her for awhile.. And when i got home found the most horrible post that i could ever find on danielle's journal... Who the fuck is that? I have no idea what to do or think about it.... How could she? I know how she could.... but why?
why not even think about giving us another shot? before running off with some guy..... she'll probably say.. cuz she doesn't want that right now.. but she has no idea how i am now.. and how things have changed, I wonder if she even wants to know.......
I feel angry.. and depressed.. and just like a worthless piece of shit.... but I still want to be with her.. or atleast be friends with her.... though i dunno how well the friends thing would work right now... but eventually.....

Needless to say... i cryed myself to sleep

I'm still a fucking idiot.....


And i keep editing this post..

I was driving alone last night with the windows down.. thinking of her. 'She always liked them down' The wind blowing her beautiful flowing hair.. She looked like a indian princess riding a wild horse. 'There weren't indian princess' she'd say if i told her that. but theres no other way to describe it... My heart would always race and i would forget to breathe... I never told her any this... i never told her alot of things and now i think it's to late. But if i did tell her this now it would sound like i was coming on to strong...
I want a fucking reset button.. I guess everyone does at some point and i know i sound like a broken record but i want a second chance i want to make things right.. and than if she's still not happy i'll atleast feel like i had more of a chance.. She's my fucking dream girl.. figuratively and literally, i'm not going to find anyone else like her again. and i know nothing with us was a permanent but i feel like we weren't finished........

Class was okay... time consumeing and i'm tired as hell today... I need to get on something for anxiety.. my heart races almost constantly and on top of that i think my left nipple piercing is migrating.. or i ripped it somehow. i'm going to feel horrible if i have to take it out... it's not my fault or anything. blah i just feel shitty...
and i feel helpless about danielle... always gotta throw something about her in don't i? yeah i know... well when she's always on my mind and i think about all the shit i fucked up or should have done.. and that's all fine and good to do.. well acually it's not so much, but i've learned from it. I just hope i get a chance to apply that learning to another relationship with danielle.. weather it be friendship or more.

i do.. I get annoyed at myself about how much i post about her...
but this journal is really just to get my thoughts out there to try to put things in perspective i guess..

Whatever i don't need to explain things to you, you're just the interweb.

I don't know why i called her about going to see the pirate movie... it was a stupid idea... I should give her space, I guess i just saw a chance to make up for something i should have done while we still were together... and i don't wanna see the movie without her.. i'm starting to think it'll be along time till i see that movie.
I hope i haven't driven her further away... i think i also just wanted to hang out. i'm not trying to be sly and get back together. I just want to be friends again.. and see where things go.

I hope she calls sometime after she's situated at school.

even with everything that's gone on.. i miss her and care for her so much.. no matter what she does or has done.



I think i'm hopeless.. and i don't even know what i'm trying to say..

I was walking tonight... after playing guitar on jeff's pourch.. i was all alone.. accept for the lingering of a excaped cat somewhere around.. and i felt the breeze, and i felt very alone...
but i am free even though i am very much still bound.
to tired to think straight..











"I'd cut the rope but i might end up cutting my wrist."

I shouldn't have contacted her today.. but i did... i dunno if she'll actually come tomorrow after work to get some of her things, i dunno..
but what i do know is i'm worried about her.. i want to be there for her... I want to hold her hand and stroke her hair, comfort her when she's down... i wanna be there to make it alright or atleast listen.
I think of her everyday.. i wonder if she ever thinks of me..

Atleast i lasted over a week before contacting her... i hope she isn't pissed at me for it... i've probably just pushed her further away.

So it's saturday... and my parents are gone till sunday night sometime.. and i'm alone shaun hasn't even called yet and it's past 7:30 and i don't know that i really wanna go anyway... I want to call or e-mail danielle so we can either talk here, or so she can pick up some of her stuff that i'm sure she wants.
but i'm not suppose to call her or contact her really, cuz it's only been a week... and i'm sure she isn't in the mood to talk or come out here.. and i doubt she even wants to talk to me...
but i want to talk to her before it's to late and she finds someone else... because she's going to she's so very beautiful and smart and funny and cute.. i could go on and on.. but i won't.

i guess that statement sounded like I am trying to get back together.. and i am to a extent.. but mostly i just want her to see things are different.. and i love her.. i think things could work if she'd give it a chance.. or even talk to me. if we talked and hung out.. i probably wouldn't even mention about getting back together. i would just let it happen if it's gonna happen.. but i feel like .. i don't even know what i feel like... I feel like the longer we don't speak the farthur apart we get.. and i'm worried that that is what she really wants so it's easyer to say goodbye.. i dunno... i don't know that any of it is true.. i am paranoid.. and worried constantly..

I don't want to lose her from my life.

I don't even know if this post was worthwhile... I sound like a broken record

So, You should never start a sentence with the word so...

but anyway, it's been over a month since Danielle and i broke up.. and 5 days since she told me she wants me to wait until she wants to talk to me... which is fine, well it's not fine.. but i'll accept it.. I just hope it doesn't end up meaning the end for all things with us . I miss her everyday...

I keep thinking of something i want to talk to her about, but i can't... and i want to see her.. but i can't.. Everyday i think.. i'm just gonna go visit her at work bring her dinner or something but i know it would be a horrible idea.. so i don't. I try to go out as much as i can with friends so i don't think about how alone i am.. and how much i miss her.. but somehow she always comes to mind, or someone out right mentions her.. but normally it's me who does.. unless it's fucking retard bobbi.
I've seen alot of old friends i hadn't in a long time recently and it's been good to see them and hang out.. but the person i want to see the most is the person i can't see or talk to at all.

She told me not to wait for her... but how can i do anything but wait if there's no one else i meet that i want? i don't really think of it as waiting anyway, If i meet someone else that makes me feel the way i do about her, or better.. then i won't hold back.. well right now i might because i'm no where near over her.. and don't think i'll ever be "over her"

Today is the first day i've not gone out in a while.. or i go out the next night.. because all i usually do is sit at the computer and look at her screen name.. and wish she'd say something.. but she never does... i've stopped doing that when i'm home though for the most part, i mean i would love for her to say something to me but i know she needs time and space.. and i didn't give her enough, i just hope the time and space i give her won't make us drift apart forever.. but the main thing i do now.. is think think think.. i think to much.. mostly of her.. and our relationship.. but also just my life and what i'm doing with it.. today is a particularly bad day.. maybe tomorrow will be better.. but it seems to get worse everyday.

I think i've found myself again... but he's fucking miserable.

Thomas my boss called me awhile ago.. Saying they are having legal troubles with some car they are selling to the guy that lives next to him.. so we're closed today... which is bull... they just don't have any work for us to do, so they're saying that so we won't be pissed. I didn't wanna go to work anyway.. feeling to weird.. and depressed.. and all kinds of everything.









Wonder if i'll ever stop fucking up though by the way..

So i got My lip/nostril/nipples pierced all at once... I felt bad about danielle coming.. because i felt like she thought i just wanted a reason to hang out... which wasn't the case at all, i just needed someone to drive me from heidi's in case i passed out... and i did feel drunk when i left, so i wouldn't have been cool to drive. so i'm glad she came.. i liked having her there too for the support she gave me, which consisted of her making fun of me the hole time.

so then we hung out for like a half hour or so after the deed was done.. she said she was tired and seemed it, she had yawned 9 times on the way back to her place, so i left.. i wanted to hang out with her more...

but then i saw her away message about HA going out! oh diner you'll make me fat with your french fries and milkshakes or something.. so she went out after saying she couldn't cuz she was to tired, oh well i understand if she didn't wanna hang out that long... but she could have just said so.. or said so in the first place.

and i am just trying to be friends with her.. and trying hang out , and i'm not trying to pressure her into getting back together i just wanna show her that things are different..


but she's so beautiful, that whenever i see her i want to kiss her to feel her to fuck her brains out.... i love her.. and will no matter what happens..

And yes i did like the bowmans, the band that opened for rasputina.. but i didn't tell her that... she would have thought i was just saying that cuz she said i wouldn't like them, but i do. and i like rasputina and i like most all of her other music.. just didn't seem like it though, cuz i would tease her about it. which is another stupid thing i shouldn't have done, i dunno if i was turning into the punk rock snobs that i hated... but it's not gonna be like that anymore.

I know She cares about me.. But everytime i remember that, I seem to forget it instantly..

I want to watch that movie with you.. I want to take a walk with you, have a picnic... count the stars and watch the moonlight basking on your face..










i feel more emo everyday.. if only i could stand the fucking music.. I'd be set.